now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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