??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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