Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
