I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
