So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Randomize
