Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize