you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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