True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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