My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
