On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
