she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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