that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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