i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My ATM looks so different sober.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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