rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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