so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize