Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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