It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
