There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
