There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You have to summon your inner elephant
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
