So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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