Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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