He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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