i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
