There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize