the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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