You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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