and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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