I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
