I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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