pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
