My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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