Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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