No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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