Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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