I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
