There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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