I bet he comes in French.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
