btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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