I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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