my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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