just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
