three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I will be naked everywhere
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
