I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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