ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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