Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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