I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this will be a night to untag.
Hippo gnu deer
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
