the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
