I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
