Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize