I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
