you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
