When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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