had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
