Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
